London
(08-20-2004)

Old buildings, tradition, hordes of tourists, more tradition, hordes of every kind, congestion, noise, quantum confusion; London has it all, and it's "topping". If New York is the nerve center of the U.S., then London must be the same for the world. More currency flows through London than any city in the world. It has diversity, constant flux, and its tentacles extend to every point on the globe.

London is not a city one can characterize in a few short paragraphs without sounding quite hackneyed, so I shant try. Instead, I'll briefly list the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

THE GOOD:

Exploring the many neighborhoods, each with its own character. Some are virtual labyrinths, where a compass would come in handy. In trying to find my way back to the hotel one day, I actually crossed my own path twice in the Covent Garden area (where, by the way, G.B. Shaw was inspired to write Pygmalion).

Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park. Every city and town in the world should have one. As vociferous as the speakers and speakees are, the least you can learn is that many commoners are well-read, and free speech should always be cherished. (Trite, I know, but experiencing it, without the police having to be present, I'll never forget.)

Londoners are very courteous; they put New Yorkers to shame. Even when a mean-looking bloke accidentally bumps into you, he turns and says, "Sorry, mate." And they're the very best at helping with directions, smiling all the while. I asked for directions on the street less and less, not wanting to take advantage of their accommodating civility, lest I somehow contribute to its decline through overuse.

The Tube (Underground subway) is excellent. Most Londoners I spoke with were unaware that an American was brought in a few short years ago to revamp the entire system. And he was hired by the controversial mayor of London, over the objection of Tony Blair.

The local beer festival and getting invited to a great private club the first night I was there. Falling in love with cold Guinness. The Globe Theatre and the Edward Hopper exhibit at the Tate Modern. The free rock concert in Regent Park, and Amato's bakery in SoHo.

Cars have the right of way over pedestrians. That's a far cry from San Francisco, but I'm glad to be alive. As a committed jaywalker, I looked the wrong way more than once.

I noticed a scarcity of trash receptacles on the street. This must be a good thing because, by and large, the streets are as clean of trash as a gated suburb. Even the subways are spotless, and most are without trash cans.

Seeing "The Goat" by Edward Albee (good, but Jonathon Pryce was superb), and "Journey's End" by RC Sherriff (excellent - a must see. It came highly recommended by a local actor I met at a pub, and he was 'spot-on'). An impressive concert at Saint Martin-in-the-Fields which included a Haydn trumpet concerto, and the Hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah. Very memorable.

A tour of the London Inns (the legal system). The wigs are made of horse hair.

Thankful for the fact that Big Ben (the bell in the clock tower) was named for the chief contractor Benny Hall, and not for Benny Hill.

THE BAD

Harrods Department Store. Opulence and more opulence, although the adult mind games section occupied more of my time than I intended.

The hangover the next day from going to that private club.

The lead news stories the first three days were dominated with two pop culture events: The head of the soccer whatever had an affair with whomever; and some transvestite, or whoever, won a telly reality thing, or whatever. Iraq got about thirty seconds.

Comedy clubs; both were terrible.

Unusually, in polls, Londoners consider themselves less happy than the residents of Rome, Munich and Dublin. The reasons they cite: transportation, traffic congestion, pollution and high prices. I suggest another reason. Read on.

THE UGLY (THE REALLY UGLY, and a major rant)

The horror of horrors; it makes Jack the Ripper look like Punch and Judy. This should not be read by those who do not have a firm constitution; (ironically, England has no Constitution). But here goes, and the following sentence is not a typo: All pubs and public bars close at eleven PM). That's right, eleven PM!! So, when you leave the theatre, you have to rush to the nearest pub before "last call" at 10:45. After that, they send you to your room.

The exceptions are private clubs (many are closed to the public, the others charge a hefty fee), and hotels where you must be a guest (also expensive). Months ago, I had opted for a quaint, very English, small townhouse hotel, so I was out of luck. When I travel, I love to chat-up the locals at the taverns; you learn a lot. So each night, I had to decide between attending an event, or visiting the pub. You can't do both.

This restriction is an utter travesty. As sophisticated as the English may think of themselves, it's all a sham, a complete hypocrisy (almost exceeded by those Brits who regard the Royal Family as anything more than a carnival freak show for gullible tourists). In this city of enlightenment, you can't get lit!

I will never again watch the BBC; will consider Prime Minister's Questions as merely a stand-up, sit-down comedy show; will never attend a concert with an English horn, and will never eat another English muffin. London should replace Iraq in the 'Axis of Evil'!

As a responsible adult, I was insulted and I will never return to this city unless the policy is changed. As if they care. Well, they might. While I was there, Michael Howard (the Tory leader and probably the next Prime Minister) gave a major speech addressing the growing crime problem. I chatted with some locals about it, and more than a couple (without my prompting) said it was because of the early pub closings. It seems the potential rowdies gather at the pubs early and proceed to binge drink, attempting to get it all in before the pubs close. Then they're drunk when eleven o'clock rolls around, and it's too early to go home, so they end up getting into trouble.

The fools should know that extending the closing time to one AM will not affect the crime problem, but I'm not gonna tell 'em. Soon, hopefully, they will put their theory in effect, and then I can return, not feeling like I'm in Taliban country.

AND ANOTHER THING: (not a rant)

Brits work the longest hours than any country in the European Union, yet they resist changing from the Pound to the Euro (by the way, so does Iceland). They claim that by doing so their economy will become deflated. Perhaps this argument has merit. But I suspect the reason for this resistance may be more subtle. I get the feeling that, more than anything, they want to retain their culture.

And that's a battle they are losing. As part of the Union, there has been such an influx of immigrants that by the year 2010, London will be 30% ethnic minority. (The restaurants in Leicester Square are dominated by Arabs, Persians and Egyptians. They wear their Hjabs - scarves, that's how they spell it - their designer jeans and high heels). And English culture is being pierced by the inverted pyramid, as well: The English citizens are growing older and they are having less English births.

In this technologically modern age, England's geographical distinction from mainland Europe no longer provides a cultural boundary. For a proud country, so steeped on a rich history and with centuries of tradition, they know their culture will dramatically change just within the next hundred years. Englanders are attempting to retain their long-held traditions, customs and quirky rituals, but it just a matter of time before the Lion becomes extinct.

NEXT STOP: New York City. Hmm...let's see...Ground Zero, Jews, Bush and Republicans. No, I guess we're not a target.

The London Eye	A hot day at Trafalgar
Speaker's Corner	London from Primrose Hill
Where Dickens worked, and tossed peanuts onto ladies hats	WW II shell damage
Best bakery in London	Leadenhall Market, financial district
Globe Theatre	"Shopping mall" in Soho